Do I expect too much?

Maybe I do, I don't know.

I honestly thought that someone would have care enough to send me a text to see if we are OK, but no one has. I know that everyone has their own lives and their own issues but I just thought that maybe something would think about us and pop us a text.

I have to admit that my online friends have been really wonderful, maybe that is why I feel so disapointed in my Real Life friends and Family. Or maybe it is just exactly that, that I expect too much from people.

Hanging in there really

So, I am hanging in there really.

Mark has been and gone a few times over the last week and a half and I am coping OK. Saying see you soon is getting easier (Less tears on my part).

I have to admit I do miss him terribly (I honestly don't know how couples do this all the time) but I am not as bad as what I thought. I kinda plunge myself into things to keep me occupied.

My house is VERY clean and I am getting through my paperwork, today was a bit of a non-event though, I got Harry ready for school and I was a struggle, we had tears over tracksuit pants believe it or not and after finally trying to negotiate with a 5 year old (Yeah right) I'd had enough, frazzled I drove him to school and he was still upset (That his tracksuit pants were in the wash).

To add to this, I was feeling very hormonal and I just couldn't stand the thought of leaving him at school after such a wretched morning, so I drove out of the school car park and gave him the day off. A little R&R never hurt anyone.

So we just hung out together & we went to the shops and tried to organise his costume for tomorrow's (Last day of term 2 fancy dress party. With not much luck with the Nursery Rhyme theme, I have taken the easy and uncrafty route and my 5 year old will attend school with a Bandaged head and a Bucket (Jack from Jack & Jill for those of you playing the home game). Not a fine parenting moment, but it is the best I can muster up with these energy levels.

Looking forward to tomorrow night when Mark is home for the weekend. Hopefully we won't get up to much, maybe a spot of fishing and just being a family, which sounds so perfect to me right now.

Growing up at 30, I suppose it has to be done some time right?

I am 30 years old and have issues with being alone.

It is blatently clear as I have been reduced to a sobbing mess on the news I will be by myself for a while now that Mark starts a new project on the Gold Coast and will be returning home only on the weekends.

I wonder why I feel so terrfied at the prospect of being on my own with Harry and doing it all by myself. I have always marvelled at those amazing woman who have to do it on their own, either through a broken relationship, through Work or circumstance. I have often wondered how they do it.

I am afraid of so many thing, like that I won't have the patience that I need to deal with my little man and that I won't sleep much at night listening to every little sound that I think might be something sinister.

I am sure in time I will get used to the idea, but tonight on the eve of my "aloneness" I feel pretty devastated by the thought. I really wonder how I will cope.

I am also trying my hardest not to put this on Mark as he feels bad enough as it is, he is a wonderful husband and he does have my support in this project, I just wish I could hold back these tears.

I know that at 30 it is time to grow up and be like everyone else and learn some independance, it is hard. But I am sure I will get there... I hope.

Baby update...

So it has been forever since my last blog so I desperately needed to get on here and update my blog. Baby Tucker is growing well and I am currently 22 weeks (Yay) feeling pretty good about everything.

We had our big Morphology scan two weeks ago and all is wonderful with our baby. We found out we are having a boy. We are over the moon and Harry can't wait to meet his little brother who we decided to call Benjamin Mark.

Mark will be heading away for work for a while so I really need an outlet, so I thought that I might just start using this as a sounding board to vent about my day. Blah it is boring I know.

ALL IS GOOD!!!

Well I had the scan this afternoon, and Baby Tucker is excellent!! I feel the weight of the world off my shoulder

We were given some pictures which I thought I would share.

FInally up to speed today is the Day for the scan.

So here I am on Monday 16th March at 2.50pm in the afternoon.

My Viablility scan is only an hour away.

I am nervous and praying that our little baby has a heartbeat (please god), I have been very sick over the last few weeks with all day sickness and fatigue today I have not had any but am wondering if it is the nerves that I making me feel like this.

I will update you all when I get back this evening.

Wish us luck...

Waiting for the Viability Scan & a very sad day

On my Egg Transfer on 2nd Feb, I made an appointment for March 6th that would either be our "where to from here with the IVF treatment" or my first Obstetric appointment with Dr. S.

I was counting the days until March 6th to see our precious baby.

On Monday March 2nd, I got a phone call in the evening from my best friend Deb, Ali she said to me with a tear strained voice "Dad passed away this afternoon". I sobbed for her and her beautiful family, my heart was broken for them. I knew the pain all too well of loosing a parent, My father passed away when I was 11 years old and til this day my heart aches for him.

I knew that I needed to be there for her and the family on his funeral. On Tuesday afternoon I receieved a message saying that the Funeral would be on Friday 6th March at 10.30am.


So I phoned and cancelled the scan and it was rescheduled to today.


Being in NSW for the Funeral was gut wrenchingly hard, this was a beautiful family, who did not deserve this. Their love for one another was genuine and they were one of the special families that were close, why do the good die young?

His funeral was beautiful and emotional, it moved even Mark to tears who just does not cry. It was a beautiful Tribute to a beautiful man, who the world is a much sadder place for he is not longer in it, but heaven has become much brighter for he is there in heaven. R.I.P Mr Clucas.

I wanted the test out of the house to avoid temptation.

The reason I decided to do the test was basically, I told myself was so that I could stop thinking about it and wait until Thursday when I had my Blood test done.

I reasoned with myself that it would be way too early for anything to be picked up on the HTP and that I would be more sane if I knew I had no temptation in the house.

So I went to the cupboard and I got the test. I did it and I waited....after about 30 seconds there was nothing at all, not control line no nothing and my heart started to sink, the test was a dud, but as I took a second look about 20 seconds later I noticed the control line, so I waited.

After about the two minute mark, I started to Hyperventilate as I saw the unbelieveable. A SECOND LINE...COULD IT BE I WAS ACTUALLY PREGNANT, It was way too early to tell.

I couldn't think straight, I could barely breath, my hand went numb and started shaking, I was officially a stummed mullet. I started to cry.

Mark was at work that day and he rang me, to say he would be home in 30 mins, I said no trouble, I was stammering out my words, he asked if I was OK to which I replied I am fine but has better go.

A whole heap of Guilt rushed through, Should I have waited, what do I tell him? Do I tell him? Can I keep it a secret? Too many decision and my brain was fried.

I decided it wasn't fair to keep it from him, I waited patiently for him to arrive home. He did Finally after what felt like an eternity. He pulled in the driveway and I greeted him.

He looked me my tear stained eyes and he looked panicked. I wrapped my arms around him and cried, he asked me what was wrong, Without saying anything, I took him by the hand and I lead him to the Bathroom and told him to look.

He stood there for a minute as was very quiet, He turned to me and smiled... BUT I TOLD YOU not to test.

I felt mildly deflated, I said I am so sorry I did it to get it out of the house, not to think I was actually pregnant and it showed up, Are you angry i asked him?

No I am so excited, but it is so early and I wont get my hopes up until they confirm it for us. So I said it is going to be a long wait, but hopefully it was all good for here on in.

TO cut a long story short, Thursday rolled around and after a very unpleasant blood test, I phoned in the afternoon to have it confirmed, we are expecting our second child, on Oct 21st.

We are overjoyed and elated and we can't wait to meet our little one.

LET THE HEAD GAMES BEGIN

The first few days of the Two week wait (2ww) I was fine, just sorta hanging out, not really thinkng too much about it. The Transfer was done on the Monday morning and by Thursday (One week from testing) the head games began.

My chest was sore and I was cramping up and I had an array of IPS (Imaginary Pregnancy Symptoms) that were starting to take their toll. Could I hold out for a whole other week.

I kept myself convinced that all the symptoms were from the Crinone (Progesterone Support) and I ticked over for a few more days.

I kept trying not to get too far ahead of myself thinking of the weather in Oct (which would be my due date) and how close this baby would be born to my beloved Gran who will hopefully be 94 this October.

I needed to come back to earth, I knew I had one First Response Test in the cupboard from about 4 months earlier should I or shouldn't I take the test.

Mark wanted me to wait but I didn't think I could. The head games were getting too strong I needed to know, I needed to prepare myself either way, especially in the case of a failed cycle.

A possible Hurdle that might hold us up!

Dr Stokes asked me to book an appointment for the 1st Feb, as he found a problem with my Cervix while I was under the General.

He said depending what he found on my scan on the 1st I may not be able to get to Egg Transfer and all surving Embryo's would be Frozen and a transfer done in April. I was nervous about how I would take the news if it was delayed.

So I went in for my scan on the 1st and fortunatley all was good. but he still wasn't convinced that I would make Transfer I needed to see him again on the 2nd in the morning and if all was OK trasnfer would take place on the 2/052/09 at 12.15pm.

I was to start Crinone (Progesterone Support) that night ahead of the possible Egg Transfer. Mark took the day off and we arrived at the Clinic at 10.00 for the scan we were both nervous.

This was the first scan that Mark had attended and he found it to be pretty full on, anyway all was good and the transfer could go ahead.

Then the suprise came. He looked at me and said dont get down just yet, What time was transferred schedule for? We might as well do it now and get it over with. OMG!

So I lay there Pantless, but covered by the green sheet and waited while Dr S. asked the Embryologist if our little Embie was ready for transfer. He replied Give me 15 and it will be, so we waited.

Dr. S explained that Dr. J (The EMbyologist) would take a photo of our day 5 Blastocyst and then it would be placed in a long catherter and placed in the uterus.

He went to work placing the speculum in place and preparing the area. I was tilted pretty far back and a spot light placed on the "Area". OH CRAP, How humiliating...Go to a better place Alison.

Dr S. Worked away on my for what felt like forever, he said I had Cervical Stenosis and they he needed to correct it prior to transfer. The Embryologist came through with our little one in a tube and then it was placed in my uterus.

I didn't feel it, the most uncomfortable it felt was like a Papsmear I would say, but the hardest part was being exposed for about 25mins solid.

But it was Over and we had a bub on board. YAY, WOOOOHOOOOO!!

Dr J. Met us after about 15 mins when I was up and around and dressed again and ran us through the details of the Embryo and give us our first ever photo, he said it was a perfect looking Embryo and that our chances of success were like flipping a coin. He also said that of the 14 Embryos that fertilised 5 definately made it to Blastocyst and so there were 4 left for Freezing and that there may be a possibility for more, so ring him tomorrow to see what happens.

After the transfer Mark and I felt elated, this was our first real shot in years to have a baby, a Aibling for our little man, We were elated and terrified.

LET THE MIND GAMES BEGIN!!!!

POST EPU AND FERTILISATION RATES & Harry's First day of Big School

That night I felt nauseous after the surgury so I just took it easy, I had no real discomfort at all.








The next morning, I awoke, I was feeling a little strange from the General. It was a momentus day in the Tucker family. It was Harrys first day of school and we would also find out our fertilisation rates after 2.00pm.





We got Harry ready for School. She looked so grown up and Mark & I took him down. I was very proud of myself as I didn't cry, the one thing I was certain that I would have done, but I didn't.

We left our baby on his new journey and Mark took me home. I crawled back into bed and he went to work for a few hours.

I phoned the c0linic at 2.30pm that afternoon before we left to get Harry from School, a miracle had Occured. 100% fertilisation! All 14 had made it through the night!!! We were delighted.

We picked Harry up from school and we were so happy that all was OK.

Waking up on the other side

Waking up after Egg Collection was strange. I felt nothing, no discomfort just a little groggy. Having an Oxygen Mask on my face and hearing the heart monitor beeping away.

I remembered looking down at my hand to see if there was a number written on it representing the number of eggs collected, but there wasn't. OH NO! My heart sank.

Pretty soon a nurse came over and asked how I was and I said I felt really good, She asked if I was in any discomfort to which I said no and I lay there for a while. I asked her how many eggs were collected on her second time back to which she looked at my chart and replied 14. I was wrapped.

After about an hour of laying there, Dr stokes came through and he said, we got 14 from you which is wonderful, I also had to do another proceedure on you while under, so you were under for a fair while longer than anticipated. But all went well.

Another hour or so passed and the machines were switched off the oxygen came off and I was told I could very slowly get dressed. YAY CLothed again! Woohooooo!

They rang mark to tell him he could collect me at 6.30pm but he was already waiting in the carpark so they allowed him in, they came me a cup of tea and some Jatz crackers.

Mark and Harry came in with a bunch of flowers (Bless) and they both gave me big cuddles. He was also thrilled to hear 14 eggs were collected.

After an hour they let us go home. THANK GOODNESS IT WAS OVER. I felt the weight of the world off my shoulders.

Now to the next hurdle of Fertilisation Rates.

The Day of Egg Collection...The single most dreaded day so far.

Tuesday Dragged but it was finally over. I made sure that Harry was ready for his first day of Big School which through some small miracle had been pushed back to 29th Jan. The school decided to split the prep classes into two groups.

One would go on Wednesday 28th and the Other on Thursday 29th and then they would all attend on the 30th together. So in that Miracle my egg collection was the day before he went to school.


I don't really recall much about the day of collection it is all a blur now.

I remember Mark needed to make his "deposit" to the Clinic and they said anytime between 8.30 and 1.00pm they needed his end of the deal. So the pressure was off in a small way as he was terrfied that he would have to provide the sample himself.


So that morning he did his part and he dropped it off to the Clinic at 9.30am. We just hung out as a family, not doing much as I couldn't eat or drink anything from 7.00am so I got up at 6.30 and had some Toast and a cup of Tea.


I showered at midday and by 12.30 Mark, Harry and I were on our way to the Day Surgury. Waiting to be admitted was agonising and I kept asking Mark to take Harry as having them both there made me feel a little emotional, He wouldn't leave until they called me through. Normally the Husband could scrub in for the surgury but because we had Harry I had to do it alone, which in hindsight was a lot better for me, becuase I could just sit quietly and freak out to myself. I couldn't talk about my fears to anyone.

They called me through and the first thing they made me so was strip off completely and double gown up. AWESOME i thought to myself as if it isn't humiliating enough!!

I sat around and waited feeling sick with fear, I sat with my gowns and attractive hat waiting to been seen by someone, stressing out about the Drip and the known pain it was abou to cause me. Last time I had a Drip it was complete Agony and it took them 6 times to get the line in.

The Anethetist called me in, and I told him I didnt know if I wanted to go completely under and he told me that he would chat to my Dr about it. and after he assesed me I went and sat back down in the waiting room.

There was a lovely old chap opposite me, who from what I gathered was having his eyes done as the nurse kept coming and putting an ointment in his eyes. He was worried too. I had a little chuckle to myself as we were both doing the exact same thing. Sitting with our hands clasped in our laps and bouncing our feet in nervous tension.

I looked at him and smile and he smiled back, but we were both too nervous to talk.

He was led through first and I was taken through about 10 mins later. When the nurse collected me, she said. Oh My this is your first time isnt it. I said yes how can you tell, she laughed and said. You look Terrfied... I was.


I watched in fear as the man next to me went under the GA and they incubated him...I thought of running for a split second and then the Anethetist saw me look in horror and apologised and closed the curtain.

It was my turn...the anthetist came and got the stuff ready for the drip, he told me that the Dr wanted me under the General as I had too many eggs to collect, I said OK I don't want to know what is going on.

The drip was surpising painless. It ached a little after about 30 seconds but I didn't really feel it go it...what a relief. He told me to go and empty my bladder and come back.

So I did. On the way back I was intersected by a Dr who said I had to come back in the other direction as they were going something not nice to another patient to which I said thanks, I have already seen it once today by accident and didn't want to see it again.

Dr Stoked called me over and my stomach freaked out, but when I saw him, I felt strangley calm. We chatted about a few things and he reassured me all would be OK. He put his hand on my Shoulder and said "Lets go get some Eggs". I climbed up on the table in the operating theatre as they took off one of my robes. Oh crap thank God I am out to it.

The Trigger Injection and the Egg Collection

So I was taken into another room with the Nurse who presented me with an Injection. This is your Trigger injection. Ovidrel. This needs to be done EXACTLY 36½ hours prior to your scheduled collection on Wednesday.

So that means you will be setting your alarm on Tuesday morning and your trigger will need to be done at exactly 2.45am. She said to me. "I can't stress to you enough that this needs to be done at the exact time of 2.45, otherwise everything you have just been through will be for nothing".

I gulped and Nodded.

I was to continue on My Synarel for that evening and the following day of Injection and the Synarel both AM & PM then after the trigger on Tuesday morning at 2.45 al medications would stop.

I was really nervous about the trigger as I had been told it was a Stinger so I was very nervous but the girls on EB were wonderful and gave me some pointers about laying down and not moving for about 15 mins after the injection to lessen the pain.

So Monday night I set my alarm for 2.30am and I couldn't sleep, I was terrified about sleeping through and ruining it all.

I watched the clock tick over to 2.30am and I got up and shuffled around for a while. I grabbed the Ovidrel injection and the alcohol swabs and headed back to the bedroom.

Mark was up and washing his hands ready in preparation and I lay on the bed and watched the clock tick over until it reached 2.45am on the 27th January...It was time.

Mark looked at me and said "OK here goes" and I felt a very very minor sting but nothing like I was expecting over the next 20 or so seconds he pushed the liquid into my stomach that was going to ripen the precious follicles I had been growing over the last 12 days and now it was over.

I felt weird know what lay head in 36½ hours and I wondered how I would cope.

A long time between visits

Well we are now in March and I am on the other side of my IVF Treatment...and I am happy to annouce that I am 8 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Phew what a relief.

Before I get to my pregnancy I will try to recap on my IVF journey.


The first scan was done on the Friday before Australia Day and I was terribly nervous, stressed about how my bpdy had responded to the injections. I remember I wasn't really feeling too much in the way of bloating and discomfort which is a common sign of a good response so I will really nervous, but deep down inside I thought it should all be OK.

So It was scan time, the scan reveal a wonderful response. I had about 16 Follicles Growing away at that stage and the Dr was very happy with that.

He told me to keep doing what I was doing that that he would like to see me on the Monday, Australia Day Public Holiday (No the man never sleeps) from there I would find out about a pick up day...Uh Oh the dreaded Egg Collection surgury.


So Australia Day came and I rocked up to my appointment, Mark had Harry (Who was only a few days shy of starting Big School for the first time, in the park across the street from the Clinic. I was pleasantly surprised to See Dr. S in his Boardies and T-Shirt and the Nurse in her jeans and shirt. I immediately relaxed. Given the predicament I was about to be in it was a nice little surprise.

So I stripped off and hopped up on the table with my Dignity on display and he handed me a note pad and said, as I call out numbers can you write them down for me? Which was fine. However it made my plan of transporting to a deserted Island a little difficult. The scan revealed I had 14 excellent Follicles growing away, so after I was dressed he sat me down and said. OK I will do your collection Surgury on Wednesday 28th Jan, the the Nurse and she will follow you through the instructions on what you need to do for now... GULP!!!

Riding the wave of emotion...

So I am at day 4 of stimming and I think the reality is finally kicking in.

I am not feeling brave, but really scared about riding the wave of emotion and coming out on the other side with my heart in tact.

I am a thinker and a worrier, my mum always says that I come from a long line of worriers (It is true). so my mind is ticking all the time with different thoughts.

The actual treatment itself has been quite easy, the synarel headaches were great but I could definately live it again, the injections are suprisingly painfree, but the head games are what are really wearing me down at the moment.

IVF is a real hit and miss on your first cycle. You're given the standard cycle of meds and you just got to hope that your body responds well...but not too well.

Our next hurdle to get past , is Fridays Ultrasound to make sure my body is responding to the FSH, hopefully when I get there I will have the average amount of eggs growing which is a think around 6-8 per ovary so about 12-16 or so eggs. (Not too many as they worry about OHSS)

I am not sure what will happen if I have 3 or 4 eggs whether or not they progress with the treatment or if they decide to cancel it, I will just have to wait and pray that I dont have that decision to be made for me.

In all honesty I have kind of braced myself for this cycle to be a failure and if I do get pregnant well it will be absolutely fantastic, but if not I am hoping I will be prepared for it (Can you ever really be prepared for it?).

Just a little prick...

I was feeling pretty brave this morning after yesterday being so painless, so I got the injection ready for myself this morning and just as I braced to do it myself, Mark said he would do it for me. Phew I thought to myself so he stood behind me this morning and as he did I felt the needle pierce my skin (not too bad, just a little prick) anyway all was good until he drew out the needle on an angle and he accidently cut me.

It stung for a while, but in all honestly I think he felt worse about it than I did. Poor thing. I think maybe I should do them myself from now on so that if I hurt myself then he doesn't feel bad. I will see how I go anyway.

Other than that went on to my accupunturist appointment after that and had a good treatment, it is kinda relaxing but not totally pain free, a good pain if that makes sense really just hoping that it all helps in getting us our long awaited bundle of joy.

The injection (The dreaded moment had arrived)

So it was finally 6.15am and Mark had to go out to the factory to pick up a cupboard for his job in Brisbane today (Great timing his first day back at work was also my first day of injections).

He arrived home and came in the room (I heared him I was just being lazy) he came and asked me if I wanted a cuppa and some breaky with him, which I said I would love a cuppa but couldn't face breaky as my tummy was churning with nerves.

Honestly, I just wanted it over and done with, so I could get past it. The nerves & the reality finally hit me this morning and I felt myself choke up with fear. I handed the bag of hope over to Mark as he was trying to eat his breaky and I said this needs to be done at 6.30am so can you just get it ready to go (it was 6.25am) and he prepared everything for me and he said OK are you ready for this, I nodded as I fought back the tears. I always thought I would be more brave about it as it never really phased me up until yesterday when I was told I could start.

He came and stood behind me and said

OK, I am going to place it in your tummy and count a few seconds, then plunge
the thread, I will then hold it for 5 seconds & remove it.
OK? Don't look.

So I turned my head and winched my eyes and I waited...and waited for the feeling of the needle going into my skin. The next thing I heared clicking so I looked down and I said, it isn't in there Mark, cause I can't feel a thing. He responded It is my love I watched it go in and made sure it was right, "Are you sure cause I can't feel anything" as he pulled the needle out. I questioned him again...surely I would have to feel something, right? Well I didn't as it was all over and done with. What a relief. I was still nervous about any reactions I might have to the injection so I asked him to stick around for a while, which he did, he left at 7.00am for work.

I am just so very relieved that day 1 is almost over, one more dose of Synarel spray tonight, just to kick that headache of mine into full gear, but hopefully I will rest well tonight knowing that it wont be hard to do.

I am off to see Richard my accupunturist tomorrow, so another round of accupunture to ready myself for the growing of the eggs and hopefully the implantation of our baby. It is going to be a long month from now.

A sleepless night...

Last night my mind was running at a million miles and hour, wondering what kind of person I am going to be while on these hormone injections. Would I be the raging bitch from hell who Mark and Harry don't want to be around, or will I just be myself (the raging bitch that...Just kidding).

I am worried that I will take my anger out on Harry as he is at home with me throughout my 2 week treatment, he is scheduled to start school on the day after my egg pick up but that date is just a tentative date and can change or be cancelled at any time.

Will I be able to be patient with him when he is having a bad moment? Man I really hope so. He is such a great kid, he is very energetic and strong willed and he challenges Mark and I every day always testing the boundaries and the limits, but that is kids in general.

So I lay there tossing and turning until about 4.30am, my injection time was going tobe 6.30am, so I wanted to try and get some sleep. Jackson (My furbaby) knew I was restless and he was pacing around outside my bedroom door, so I got up and let him in and he came a lay beside me and I finally fell asleep.

Day 15...the night before the needle

The last two weeks have been a bit of a rollercoaster, Headaches, a little emotional and a little snappy but all in all it hasn't been too awful. (Phew!)

I had a blood test yesterday morning to see if I could start injecting the FSH to grow my eggs, after a poor nights sleep due to a headache I phoned the clinic and they confirmed I am able to start injecting.

I thought I would be beside myself with relief but now honestly I am more scared about what the next two weeks of my life will be like. I am sure that I will do it OK, but it is just the fear of the unknown and I did something stupid (Very stupid) I youtube'd the Egg pick up proceedure. What was I thinking? Clearly not much.

All I have managed to do is freak myself out about it all, I tell you some time ingorance is bliss.

Anyway back to the original part of my blog, the night before the needle. I do feel nervous about starting these injections. I wonder what kind of person I will be while I am on them. Will I be a train wreck? Will I be super emotional or will I breeze through it without any problems at all. I guess time will tell.

I am getting Mark to do the injections for two reasons really, One. So he does feel left out of the process, I don't want it to be all me me me as it is effecting him just as much as me and the second is becuase I am a little freaked anyway about hold a sharp implement to my skin and sticking it in.

So this afternoon I pulled out that little black esky of hope and we went through it all and tried to remember the steps to the injection pen, bits need to be screwed on and preped and although it isn't rocket science it is a little overwhelming the first time. I am sure that all will be OK and that there should be minimal pain involved (Hopefully)

2 day of Sniffing

Well happy to report that day two was pretty uneventful. (YAY, I am feeling happy about that)

Still had a headache but nothing too bad and I felt like myself, not snappy or teary.

Still trying to decide if I am going to be on lock down for this month? My family are trying their best to understand, hopefully I won't need to be and that I will feel normal enough in myself to be out and about.

Anyway I am off to bed as yet again it is instanely late (1am) and I have to be up for more sniffing soon...

And it begins

The alarm on my phone went off at 6.45am on New years day and the moment had finally arrived, I am starting my IVF treatment.

I nervously got out of bed and went to my little esky and picked up my bottle of synarel. I read the instructions (again) and went for it.

**SNIFF** it was all over, OK that was good I said to myself and I went back to bed as I had a late night on NYE.

I lay down in bed and started to drift when I got this awful taste in the back of my throat, Ohhh man was it vile, I tried to change side and sit up, and in the end I decided I would just try and ingore it and go back to sleep. I awoke about an hour later with a throbbing headache that had felt like I had been drinking all night. How could I feel hung over without a single drink on NYE. (Thank goodness I didn't have a drink).

OK, so I got up and saunted around & Mark told me to go back to bed as I didn't look great, so I went back to bed and he bought me in a cup of tea (What a man) he said he would let me rest make me some pancakes and call me when they were ready.

I laid down but couldn't sleep and Mark called me for breaky, I sat at the table feeling fragile "How can this be?" I shouldn't be feeling anything yet surely?

Harry was being silly at the table and I snapped at him! Oh no I thought to myself. Surely this isn't the Synarel already and I got scared and started to cry. My second biggest fear in this is that I am going to become a lunatic and hormonal and drive poor Mark & Harry to distration, I don't want it to be like that, I just want to do it and get on with life. (My biggest fear....walking away with nothing at the end of this).

Mark hugged me and was so kind, he told me no matter what that he loved me and that all would be OK.

The rest of the day was a bit of a headache blur, I was nervous about my 7.00pm dose as I still had the headache from this morning, but I took it OK and veged out on the lounge with Mark.

So day 1 is under my belt.