Riding the wave of emotion...

So I am at day 4 of stimming and I think the reality is finally kicking in.

I am not feeling brave, but really scared about riding the wave of emotion and coming out on the other side with my heart in tact.

I am a thinker and a worrier, my mum always says that I come from a long line of worriers (It is true). so my mind is ticking all the time with different thoughts.

The actual treatment itself has been quite easy, the synarel headaches were great but I could definately live it again, the injections are suprisingly painfree, but the head games are what are really wearing me down at the moment.

IVF is a real hit and miss on your first cycle. You're given the standard cycle of meds and you just got to hope that your body responds well...but not too well.

Our next hurdle to get past , is Fridays Ultrasound to make sure my body is responding to the FSH, hopefully when I get there I will have the average amount of eggs growing which is a think around 6-8 per ovary so about 12-16 or so eggs. (Not too many as they worry about OHSS)

I am not sure what will happen if I have 3 or 4 eggs whether or not they progress with the treatment or if they decide to cancel it, I will just have to wait and pray that I dont have that decision to be made for me.

In all honesty I have kind of braced myself for this cycle to be a failure and if I do get pregnant well it will be absolutely fantastic, but if not I am hoping I will be prepared for it (Can you ever really be prepared for it?).

Just a little prick...

I was feeling pretty brave this morning after yesterday being so painless, so I got the injection ready for myself this morning and just as I braced to do it myself, Mark said he would do it for me. Phew I thought to myself so he stood behind me this morning and as he did I felt the needle pierce my skin (not too bad, just a little prick) anyway all was good until he drew out the needle on an angle and he accidently cut me.

It stung for a while, but in all honestly I think he felt worse about it than I did. Poor thing. I think maybe I should do them myself from now on so that if I hurt myself then he doesn't feel bad. I will see how I go anyway.

Other than that went on to my accupunturist appointment after that and had a good treatment, it is kinda relaxing but not totally pain free, a good pain if that makes sense really just hoping that it all helps in getting us our long awaited bundle of joy.

The injection (The dreaded moment had arrived)

So it was finally 6.15am and Mark had to go out to the factory to pick up a cupboard for his job in Brisbane today (Great timing his first day back at work was also my first day of injections).

He arrived home and came in the room (I heared him I was just being lazy) he came and asked me if I wanted a cuppa and some breaky with him, which I said I would love a cuppa but couldn't face breaky as my tummy was churning with nerves.

Honestly, I just wanted it over and done with, so I could get past it. The nerves & the reality finally hit me this morning and I felt myself choke up with fear. I handed the bag of hope over to Mark as he was trying to eat his breaky and I said this needs to be done at 6.30am so can you just get it ready to go (it was 6.25am) and he prepared everything for me and he said OK are you ready for this, I nodded as I fought back the tears. I always thought I would be more brave about it as it never really phased me up until yesterday when I was told I could start.

He came and stood behind me and said

OK, I am going to place it in your tummy and count a few seconds, then plunge
the thread, I will then hold it for 5 seconds & remove it.
OK? Don't look.

So I turned my head and winched my eyes and I waited...and waited for the feeling of the needle going into my skin. The next thing I heared clicking so I looked down and I said, it isn't in there Mark, cause I can't feel a thing. He responded It is my love I watched it go in and made sure it was right, "Are you sure cause I can't feel anything" as he pulled the needle out. I questioned him again...surely I would have to feel something, right? Well I didn't as it was all over and done with. What a relief. I was still nervous about any reactions I might have to the injection so I asked him to stick around for a while, which he did, he left at 7.00am for work.

I am just so very relieved that day 1 is almost over, one more dose of Synarel spray tonight, just to kick that headache of mine into full gear, but hopefully I will rest well tonight knowing that it wont be hard to do.

I am off to see Richard my accupunturist tomorrow, so another round of accupunture to ready myself for the growing of the eggs and hopefully the implantation of our baby. It is going to be a long month from now.

A sleepless night...

Last night my mind was running at a million miles and hour, wondering what kind of person I am going to be while on these hormone injections. Would I be the raging bitch from hell who Mark and Harry don't want to be around, or will I just be myself (the raging bitch that...Just kidding).

I am worried that I will take my anger out on Harry as he is at home with me throughout my 2 week treatment, he is scheduled to start school on the day after my egg pick up but that date is just a tentative date and can change or be cancelled at any time.

Will I be able to be patient with him when he is having a bad moment? Man I really hope so. He is such a great kid, he is very energetic and strong willed and he challenges Mark and I every day always testing the boundaries and the limits, but that is kids in general.

So I lay there tossing and turning until about 4.30am, my injection time was going tobe 6.30am, so I wanted to try and get some sleep. Jackson (My furbaby) knew I was restless and he was pacing around outside my bedroom door, so I got up and let him in and he came a lay beside me and I finally fell asleep.

Day 15...the night before the needle

The last two weeks have been a bit of a rollercoaster, Headaches, a little emotional and a little snappy but all in all it hasn't been too awful. (Phew!)

I had a blood test yesterday morning to see if I could start injecting the FSH to grow my eggs, after a poor nights sleep due to a headache I phoned the clinic and they confirmed I am able to start injecting.

I thought I would be beside myself with relief but now honestly I am more scared about what the next two weeks of my life will be like. I am sure that I will do it OK, but it is just the fear of the unknown and I did something stupid (Very stupid) I youtube'd the Egg pick up proceedure. What was I thinking? Clearly not much.

All I have managed to do is freak myself out about it all, I tell you some time ingorance is bliss.

Anyway back to the original part of my blog, the night before the needle. I do feel nervous about starting these injections. I wonder what kind of person I will be while I am on them. Will I be a train wreck? Will I be super emotional or will I breeze through it without any problems at all. I guess time will tell.

I am getting Mark to do the injections for two reasons really, One. So he does feel left out of the process, I don't want it to be all me me me as it is effecting him just as much as me and the second is becuase I am a little freaked anyway about hold a sharp implement to my skin and sticking it in.

So this afternoon I pulled out that little black esky of hope and we went through it all and tried to remember the steps to the injection pen, bits need to be screwed on and preped and although it isn't rocket science it is a little overwhelming the first time. I am sure that all will be OK and that there should be minimal pain involved (Hopefully)

2 day of Sniffing

Well happy to report that day two was pretty uneventful. (YAY, I am feeling happy about that)

Still had a headache but nothing too bad and I felt like myself, not snappy or teary.

Still trying to decide if I am going to be on lock down for this month? My family are trying their best to understand, hopefully I won't need to be and that I will feel normal enough in myself to be out and about.

Anyway I am off to bed as yet again it is instanely late (1am) and I have to be up for more sniffing soon...

And it begins

The alarm on my phone went off at 6.45am on New years day and the moment had finally arrived, I am starting my IVF treatment.

I nervously got out of bed and went to my little esky and picked up my bottle of synarel. I read the instructions (again) and went for it.

**SNIFF** it was all over, OK that was good I said to myself and I went back to bed as I had a late night on NYE.

I lay down in bed and started to drift when I got this awful taste in the back of my throat, Ohhh man was it vile, I tried to change side and sit up, and in the end I decided I would just try and ingore it and go back to sleep. I awoke about an hour later with a throbbing headache that had felt like I had been drinking all night. How could I feel hung over without a single drink on NYE. (Thank goodness I didn't have a drink).

OK, so I got up and saunted around & Mark told me to go back to bed as I didn't look great, so I went back to bed and he bought me in a cup of tea (What a man) he said he would let me rest make me some pancakes and call me when they were ready.

I laid down but couldn't sleep and Mark called me for breaky, I sat at the table feeling fragile "How can this be?" I shouldn't be feeling anything yet surely?

Harry was being silly at the table and I snapped at him! Oh no I thought to myself. Surely this isn't the Synarel already and I got scared and started to cry. My second biggest fear in this is that I am going to become a lunatic and hormonal and drive poor Mark & Harry to distration, I don't want it to be like that, I just want to do it and get on with life. (My biggest fear....walking away with nothing at the end of this).

Mark hugged me and was so kind, he told me no matter what that he loved me and that all would be OK.

The rest of the day was a bit of a headache blur, I was nervous about my 7.00pm dose as I still had the headache from this morning, but I took it OK and veged out on the lounge with Mark.

So day 1 is under my belt.